Practice makes perfect


10 October 2013

I got pregnant for the 2nd time after 7 years! I have a picture from my 12 week scan to prove my womb is hard at work creating a miracle.

There are a whole host of things that are different about this pregnancy, but by far the most significant is the fact that it was planned.  All it took was 7 months of “trying”, a firm decision to stop trying until after our wedding next August and then one glorious trip to Spain et VOILA!! But what do you think about planning a pregnancy? Well I always thought the whole concept of “trying” to get pregnant is a pack of bullshit! And I still do.
When my husband and I made the decision to have another child we agreed we weren’t going to do what many of our friends and family did, that is always being conscious about “trying” and that the purpose of making love was just to conceive.  We agreed this would add stress and anxiety to the process, take all the fun and passion out of it and just end up making it harder to conceive. No way were we going to fall into that trap of anti-logic, not us. We were going to just go along like normal, as we have been all along, with the only difference being that I wasn’t on the pill any more.

Ha!!! What a damn dream that idea was.

After 3 months of negative pregnancy tests, and on the 3rd month crumbling into a ball of weakness in tears on the bathroom floor holding the dreaded test reminding me of my empty womb, I found myself breaking all the rules and buying an ovulation testing kit…….watch where I reach 🙄!  I felt like a damn thief wondering if I should hide the test from my husband or swallow my pride and come clean about my forbidden purchase. Well I can’t hide anything from the man so I hung my head in shame and I admitted. Well the jubilation in his expression of complete relief was certainly not what I was expecting. Turns out he was holding back suggesting we forget about “going with the flow” and get serious about this thing, as far as standing on my head if I have to (and no, I didn’t go that far!).

So……..I downloaded an app on my phone called period tracker, well I might as well lay out the confessions right? This is a fabulous app, even if you are not going all psyco and OCD about filling your womb. It is a great way for all ladies to keep track of their cycle, which is something we ought to be doing anyway.  Anyway they arent paying me to advertise so moving swiftly along……

This app told me when I was most likely to be fertile and gave an estimate of when I was ovulating. So on day one of my fertile day I pee on the ovulation test – I got a sad face appearing on the screen. This meant I had no use for my husband that day. Next morning repeat process – this time a smiley face!! Where is my husband???!!! Walking out the front door on his way to work? Oh please, when I am ovulating? You figure out the rest. And so it went, military style, to the point where I have decided I am never doing that shit again!! I know my poor husband felt like nothing more than a sperm machine. I banned him from drinking tea and coffee. He took the coffee bit ok, but I asked an English man to not drink tea! It was probably the worst time of his life, but my boy wanted this as bad as me and (unhappily) sacrificed the tea.  We both took conception vitamins – yes these things do exist. I actually googled “how to get pregnant” because I convinced myself it wasn’t as simple as “have sex and lots of it”, and it turns out there is more to it than that, according to the 500 blog entries I read. Apparently I should not stand after sex for fear that gravity works against the precious sperm. I should prop my ass up in the air with pillows while lying flat on my back for at least 20 minutes, to help the sperm swim up to my eagerly awaiting egg. To further ensure the sperm makes its way to the egg, lift knees to the chest so your bits are pointing to the ceiling. I should have sex about 2 days before I am ovulating if I want a girl and on the exact day of ovulation if I want a boy. I should remain calm and relaxed at all times as sperm are very sensitive creatures, apparently. Well how the fuck was I supposed to feel calm and relaxed when I have remember all those rules?!

Don’t listen to the words of other OCD, pysco I-want-a-baby-aholics, you will drive yourself insane and make your anxiety levels sky rocket.   This, I am certain, will only lead to one thing – your egg turning into an angry assassin, murdering any sperm who dares to come near her. Die fuckers, die!!  It should be as simple as “have sex and lots of it”, practice makes perfect! The minute we stopped “trying” and went to relax in Spain – Bam!! So it’s either this trying idea is a pack of shit or Mother Nature has a seriously screwed up sense of humour!

I don’t recall ever wanting anything as bad as I wanted to hold a positive pregnancy test with my pee on it! I put a lot of pressure on myself, which is probably why it took longer than it should, maybe, who knows.  I am just overjoyed it happened and I can return to being a normal, rational human being again. My husband can drink tea again and not be forced into the bedroom by his crazy, ovulating wife when he is trying to get to work on time.  This “trying” thing is not for me, I have some serious control issues which makes attempting to be in control of something only nature has control of, a very stupid idea!  My next pregnancy will be a stress free “oops” which is the only way to do it!! Give nature some credit, she knows better than we do.

Dear Nature, you better give me a girl ok!
……onto the next obsession.

Stay tuned.
I out!

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