Me Vs Me

4 November 2015

My dream is to complete a half marathon, maybe more but I will start with one. It has been a dream for 8 years and I am no where near being even close to achieving it. It is because I am torn between my two personalities. One is a runner (or rather a very determined wannabe) and one is a fatty. Runner is always in conflict with Fatty, they loathe each other. Well actually, Runner loathes Fatty, she fucking hates her flabby, jiggly, lazy guts! But Fatty simply dislikes Runner, dislikes the abuse Runner dishes out to her every single god damn day. Fatty just wants Runner to love her for who she is. She just wants to be accepted, she wants Runner to embrace the cellulite and the “child bearing curves”. She wants to stop eating fucking salad for lunch every fucking day!
Four days a week, Runner overcomes and takes Fatty for a run. Three of these four days are weekdays so they go after work. These days are the worst days, the arguments are overbearing and they start from the minute I am getting ready for work and pack my running shoes in my backpack. “Why Runner, why?” ” It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s painful and we are still fat after all that torture!” “What about zumba, we like zumba”
“Shut your, lazy ass!!” “It;s always excuse after excuse!” “It’s your fault we are fat, it’s your negative attitude!” “Zumba my ass, you see who is in the zumba class? Old, LAZY women! You feel it’s only Zumba that instructor does to get so fit?” “You will get to do Zumba as a treat IF we do all 4 runs as planned the week before because your fucking mother is almost 65 and she is sexier than you!”
And so it goes. Fatty does indeed spend the running days looking for excuses and when the excuses are too pathetic she resorts to negotiations. 3 miles maybe, instead of 5? 5 miles at a slower pace? Do we have to run around the block to hit the 5 mile mark when we get back home at 4.8 miles? Could we just skip dinner instead? COULD YOU JUST LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM??!!!

It is even worse when they are actually running. Runner is exhilarated, enjoys the burn and likes to be dripping with sweat. She wants to push harder when her body feels an urgent need to stop and cheers herself on, congratulating herself at every mile. Fatty just holds her back – complaining, tired, wanting to walk and take short cuts to get home faster. It is a real struggle, a battle in my head that I wish to overcome. A constant switch between Yes Yes Yes let’s do this, Wooooo, I could do this everyday and I am going to die, never doing this shit again, my heart is definitely about to explode!!

I would like to one day have one personality, and I would like that person to be Runner. I admire Runner’s determination and drive to do whatever it takes to be healthy and fit regardless of how unpleasant and difficult it is. Runner eats well, and is more energetic. She does more fun, high energy things with the kids and loves life just that little bit more. She fears nothing and constantly challenges herself to prove she can do whatever she sets her mind to. She feels better about herself when she looks in the mirror because even if she doesn’t like what she sees, she feels happy knowing she is doing something about it rather than sitting on her cellulite ridden behind and feeling sorry for herself. She is strong and I identify with her.

Fatty is a bit of an unpleasant nag and I believe it is because she is not happy with herself. I don’t know who this person is and when or why she became such a big part of me. She does not realise she cannot be accepted if she hasn’t accepted herself. She wants to change but lacks the will to make it happen and I don’t respect her for that. She is weak and unable to self motivate. She uses excuses rather than getting off her ass to make things happen and these are qualities I do not identify with.
Fatty has reigned for some time now, too long. It started when I got pregnant back in July 2013. Runner took a step back and the dormant inner fatty took over. Well it’s about time that reign is over. It’s not an easy road but I am happy to say that Runner is slowly regaining her power and is more determined than ever to do that blasted half marathon!!

Dammit that means no apple pie tonight!