I am often told that I make motherhood look so easy. It’s not. I don’t know what about my posts and pictures make it look easy but nothing about being a Mom is a walk in the park! Fulfilling – yes. Beautiful – yes. Worth it – yes. Easy – Hell to the fucking No!
I have not been sleeping. It’s partially my own fault as I get most of my inspiration for my blogs somewhere between midnight and 3am but then Yelena wakes up around 3am, so sleep? I’ll have to sleep when I die. I have been doing OK so far and managing well – my blog gives me a high which has contributed massively to me coping with little sleep but it all caught up with me today. A big fat BANG! I was so exhausted and felt I could not cope with mummying at all! You know that feeling of wanting to run away and sit in a quiet corner on your own where no other human beings exist? Yeah I was hit with that, punched in the face – a knock out! I could not face my social media pages. I didn’t have the capacity to give myself to anyone. My mind and body had shut down. I had been running on E for so long, I hadn’t even noticed. I wasn’t looking after my mind, just going through the motions selflessly as mothers so often do.
I woke up feeling shattered. I could not muster the strength to even brush my teeth or have a shower. I told myself to suck it to hell up and get on with it. I was doing sort of alright until my husband left with my eldest to go for haircuts. My two sets of helping hands, gone. I was left alone with my energy ball of a 4 year old who is always looking for the next activity to do and the next thing to eat and constantly barks demands at me to colour with him, read with him, build Lego with him, make pancakes with him, feed him, him him him him HIM! Alone with him and a breastfed-on-demand baby who is teething and needing more feeds and comfort than usual. Two children who aren’t old enough to understand that Mummy is extremely exhausted and just needs them to not need her for 10 God damn minutes so she can shut her eyes and breathe and will her energy back. This is of course a normal day for me and for most moms and normally I am in auto pilot mode and I operate in top form and I enjoy engaging in 1000 activities with Yiethan and cooing with Yelena, but not today. I did not want to be a Mummy today. I reached my breaking point. I have not thought about myself or given myself Me time for months. 24 hours of my day have been dedicated to being Mummy. All day and all night. Some days I would still be in my pyjamas at 1pm and not even had a glass of water for the day far less something to eat. And it’s been fine, I hadn’t noticed until today. My body said I’m done, no more, I need some care, I need to rest so I can be who my family need. How does a Mom afford to rest though? This is what I would tell myself on days like this. Demand that I stop the stupid talk and deal with it, after all my children didn’t ask to be brought into this world. So I tried. I strapped my big girl boots on and I tried. I kept my crippling fatigue to myself and I carried on.
When Jamie got home he found me crying over a pot of soup I was attempting to cook. I made the mistake of not telling him how I was feeling. He is Mr Positive at all times (if you follow his page you can attest to this) so sometimes I feel I am letting him down by being all woe is me. I have no good reason to do that! He gathered up all the kids and took them out the house for 3 hours. I slept. If an earthquake had hit I would not have known a thing! I knew I was tired but not like that. I do not even remember falling asleep.
When I woke up my mind was clear, my heart rate slower and my energy back. I felt gratitude and overwhelming love for my husband and children when 3 hours earlier I wanted them all to leave me in bloody peace!
I have made a promise not to let myself reach boiling point again. Not to go around playing SuperMom because I am far from that and I am more than happy to not be!
Look after yourself. Your children and loved ones cannot be properly cared for if you are not OK. Being a Mom is hard enough on your best day! Take time out to give yourself a break and do something that is just about you! Rejuvenate regularly, it makes so much difference. It’s OK to be selfish once in a while if your family benefits from it.
I’ve decided I am going to take weekly breaks from posting on my page as well, one day a week. A friend of mine and fellow blogger (@theimperfectlyperfectparent) does this every Sunday and before I started blogging myself I didn’t fully get why she felt this strong need to do it, but I certainly get it now! I put my heart and soul into my page and my followers have become a second family to me. I get tons of beautiful and positive messages daily and I ensure to take the time to reply to each one. But I have to give so much of myself to it as well. I have opened up my life to the world and so sometimes I need to take a step back and keep something back for myself. So if you see I haven’t posted anything, know I am OK, I’m just taking time out to regroup and engage in self indulgence – even if all that means is I got to actually sleep!