15 December 2010
When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to die!!! Abortion was never an option for me but I sure as hell wasn’t jumping for flippin joy either. What made it worse was that Yanice’s father was ready to shed tears of joy, he seemed to have gotten the best news he ever got so I had to pretend I felt happy too.
My thoughts were all negative. I had only just graduated from University, a week earlier called my parents to tell them I got a first class honours degree. Now I had to call and tell them I was pregnant – sigh! Why I couldn’t make them happy and proud for more than ONE week? That was my first stress. Next was I wasn’t employed yet and who was going to hire a big belly graduate? I hated the thought of depending on my boyfriend, my cheap boyfriend, for money. I even worried about if the poor child will be short like his father and have my ugly feet. It wasn’t simple worries and stress I gave myself. BUT through it all I never once worried about my ability to love this child.
After I told my father whose response was “Oh God!!” and told my mother whose response was “Oh God!! What did your father say?” and told my sisters, Nadya whose response was “Don’t worry with what Dada says, he loves grandchildren, he just don’t like their fathers” and Tally whose response was “you are having sex??!!” I started to feel a lil bit better. God bless BP Expat policy who shipped Tally and Mike to England for three years, just in time for them to take me in and ease my mind about the fact that I was broke. I went for a few interviews which surprise surprise were not fruitful but I relaxed a little bit. It wasn’t going to be that bad right? I would live with my sister till I have the baby, wait a little bit then go job hunting. And that’s what I did. I had a plan now but I still wasn’t sure if I was happy yet.
Then came the three month scan. First time seeing my creation and hearing its heart beat. It’s a girl!! I know it’s a girl because I am glowing and I feel it’s a girl because Watsons only make girls and look at her toes and how powerful is her heart beat is and look she is soooo tiny! And what’s that I feel? Is it, could it be? Am I bubbling over with pure joy and excitement and happiness?!! YES YES YES!!! To hell with if I have no money and my man is cheap, to hell with if no one wants to hire me cus I am with child. To hell with whoever shakes their head and thinks I’ve gone and ruined my damn life. To hell with being stressed and to hell with all the worry I was worrying. I have created a miracle, I have secured the future of this world, I am a woman, and I am a MOTHER!! How flippin strange, one ultrasound scan later and my whole frame of mind changes. My whole world seems perfect. My life has become all about making sure this thing I have never met, this thing with no name and sex unknown will grow up to say “That’s my Mama, she is the best one in the world!” That is mine! The only possession worth changing your entire outlook on life for.
I don’t remember at that point ever feeling that elated in my entire life. I was going to be a Mummy and I promised the peanut I would be the best one to ever walk this earth. I made all sorts of promises to the peanut but mostly they were around the fact it would always be protected by me. So I was ready now, I went and bought new born nappies, wipes, a baby carrier and I washed all my 6 month old niece’s new born clothes. I changed my diet completely. I wiped out anything unhealthy, took pregnancy vitamins, Omega 3-6-9 and calcium and did a 2 hour walk every day. My whole life was now about my baby.
At 5 months into my pregnancy I went to prove to the world that I was having a girl. Next dilemma, the thing has a penis! What the actual Fuck!!! What will I do with a boy?? I never even seen a baby wiggy in my life! How it does work? My house will smell like piss! Boys are weird! Boys are smelly, they are hard to shop for and the clothes for boys are boring! I WANT A PRINCESS GOD DAMMIT!!! Just when I finally got all “Yay I am going to be a mummy” The damn thing has a penis!! I again didn’t want to look at the father, of course he was over joyed, afterall which man doesn’t want a son? This carrying on my name bullshit that they seem to get thrills over. So I called my father whose response was “A BOY!!!! Well done sweetheart!” Wow! Instant pick me upper! Now I am happy again, granddad is pleased as so far is only women in the man’s life. I went home feeling good, ok it’s a boy, I could live with that, I will just brush my nieces’ hair and dress them up instead. I drove to the mall to buy my first outfit for my son. What a disappointment!! 90% of the store is pink and 10% blue or brown and the blue section is full of shit!! But I didn’t mind, I was overjoyed, in no time the thought of having a son seemed to be so much better than having a daughter. What was I thinking? I have never had good luck with girls! Since I was little most of my friends were boys, I never really liked girls that much and also I missed the whole point as well – Boys love their Mamas!! Duh!! So I went home with a pretty pink dress for my niece instead.
Things nice, no sickness (I was lucky), dreaming all day about my son. I was happy he was a boy now, first male grandchild in my family, I was special. My due date was May 30th and I could not wait!!! On June 2nd I went into labour – never again will I do that shit! 56 hours later and an emergency C-Section I finally got to hold my boy. I guess because he didn’t give me any trouble when he was inside he decided to give me trouble to come out. I was lying on the hospital bed, pain coming out my ass (you really feel like it coming out your backside), weak, frustrated and bleeding and thinking to myself “This little shit better be damn cute!!!” And God damn was he cute!!! When they give him to me he was watching me with one eye opened. He give me a two second hello mummy and then he dive down into my breast! He was so tiny and his skin was see through. His little blue fingers cling on to that breast with all the strength he could find. That feeling you get that this boy already knows you and you are the only person in the world at that moment that he needs and cares about is the MOST amazing feeling in the world. I wanted a girl, I could not picture myself with a son and instantly I wondered what I did before he was part of my life. I have never known love like this before!
Well my boy lived on that breast for the next 27 months! Let me tell you something though, whoever says breast feeding is wonderful and all that niceness is a damn liar!!! Now I know some mothers, like mine who never had problems – lucky bitches, but not me. Everything went wrong. It was pain, it was torture, when the child woke up crying I wanted to run far far far away and I used to cuss his father because I was so jealous he was a damn man with a prick instead of breasts!! But I was determined to breast feed the monster. You see my mother breast fed me for 3 years so it was guilt in my ass that kept me going. It took bout 8 weeks to stop feeling like my whole guts was coming through my breast when he latched on like a fucking vacuum. The boy didn’t sleep, he just ate WHOLE day and WHOLE night! But I didn’t stop, all the complain I complained when he in mid feed and he stoped and looker up at me while caressing my breast to give me a smile – oh gosh, how I could not fall for that?!
Yanice, what I will do without my boy? He is so handsome as well! He thinks I am his world and he thinks he needs me for life but he doesn’t even know the impact he has made on my life. Every source of strength I need for whatever reason, I get from him.
Living with a 4 year old boy is a journey I will not ever substitute for anything in this world. I have learnt so much and grown a hell of alot. First was the foreskin, oh gosh that thing is a pain in my ass!!!! I should have choped it off when the Dr asked me if I wanted to. When is the right time to pull it back, should I pull it back? If I don’t what will happen? Will it hurt??? Gosh when he was two I just went for it yes! Then your have to teach them how to do it themselves and well my child hasn’t made friends with that thing yet! I have to threaten him to do it!
Next thing is baby boys respond to good feelings JUST like big men!!! Yes the little wiggy gets big *10 yr old giggle*. I never knew that!! Then when it gets big and they have to pee, gosh that is a next story! Talking about pee, I first taught my child to sit and pee. He went to school and “Miss” said he has stand up so now check me teaching him how to aim and fire. Oh gosh well it was piss everywhere for weeks!!! Then it was don’t forget to put down the seat!!! Over and over again!
There are challenges, society imposes rules on us girls about raising our boys. As if its anyone’s business right? Girls can wear any colour, wear jeans and play with cars but blue is for boys! 99% of his cousins are girls, his best friend is a girl and my best friend has a daughter so he is surrounded by girls. Yet society is telling me its wrong to allow him to paint my nails. If he wears pink he’s gay, if he paints my nails he’s gay, if he prefers to dance instead of play football he’s gay and if he likes to watch Angelina Ballerina then he has no hope. Well fuck you society, he’s a boy he knows that and I know that. What a stupid worry to add to your long list of stuff to worry about. I’m not about to give him a set of hang ups about his sexuality. But still the pressure to raise a man is on. He can’t be a soft man but he can’t be gay either. He can’t be a mama’s boy but he can’t be a macho man either. He can’t be a nerd but he can’t be a slacker either. Gosh rules rules rules. I take the laid back approach and I choose to celebrate him. What else can I do? Society will send me mad if I let it you know!
I have been told by many that boys tend to have a special connection to their mother. I think these rumours are true. A boy’s first love is always his mother. Mine is borderline obsessive but as much as I complain that he doesn’t give me personal space and he can act up my claustrophobia I secretly revel in it. I am enjoying getting to know him and sharing my life with him. He entertains me and I am doing what I was born to do. I was born to be a Mummy, I was born to be HIS Mummy!
My little Sunshine Prince. You make my life fulfilled and complete by just being you. There is absolutely nothing in this world you will ever want for. I loved you from the minute I heard that tiny heart beat and I will love you forever. There is nothing on this earth more special and important to me than you are and you will always live to know that is a fact! Thank you for blessing me with your life. Thank you for the hugs and the kisses that you love to give to me, they touch my heart everytime. Thank you for being such a good boy for Mummy. We are going to have so much fun all the time!! I love being your Mummy, and I love you even more. Tons of hug ups and Kisses for my Angel xxxx
Motherhood is beautiful. You will spend the rest of your life worrying about them and feeling guilty about everything but I guarantee it will be the best decision you made. My journey has just started and I have far to go. Learning about a boy is a hell of a ride!