Family, Personal

This is Me

This is Real Mama

Have you ever been for an interview and they ask “So tell me about yourself”? It’s meant to be one of the toughest interview questions because what on earth are you supposed to say, right?!

It was not until I started conducting interviews myself that I discovered they want you to say what it is about yourself that makes you suitable for the role you have applied for.

Anyway, I am rambling because I am about to write a “tell me about yourself” blog and as that popped into my head first, I thought I would use it as an analogy to explain just how difficult it is to find the words to write this. But here goes…

My name is Nikisha. I am the last of four children of my parents and I was born and raised in the Caribbean island Trinidad. I moved to England in 2002 to go to University but I won’t discuss my career as that doesn’t define me. The only thing I will say is that it involves a hell of a lot of mathematics but in complete contradiction I often feel like there is this creative storyteller inside of me that is just bursting to be let out!

I have three children one of whom is only 4 months old and I am currently on maternity leave. When I was heavily pregnant I was exhausted most of the time and so spent many hours in bed. To keep myself busy I started using Instagram much more than I ever did. It disheartened me. The fakeness. The glamorisation of pregnancy and motherhood and I knew I could not have been the only one who could not relate to it. That’s when my inner storyteller could not be suppressed any longer. She was determined to come out here and spread some realness into social media. She wanted to represent all those parents who read those glamourous parenting blogs and go away feeling like they must be the only parents who are struggling and must be doing something wrong. The new moms who find themselves saying “I wish someone told me….”. The ones who have days of feeling that they didn’t really enjoy being a mom and were filled with guilt rather than assurance that they were not alone and it is normal. The ones who were craving to read something on social media which they can fucking relate to for a bloody change! So I started my blog. Using my maternity leave wisely and allowing me to maintain my sanity through having some adult conversation, even if it’s virtually.

In 2010, after 2 years of separation, my divorce from my first husband was finalised. You can read more about the reasons I got divorced on my last blog 10 Year Challenge. Divorce is emotionally traumatic and draining. It can leave you feeling like you will never be happy again. Being in a mentally abusive relationship thoughtout most of my teenaged years and into my early 20s left my confidence and love for myself dragging on the floor. I had almost none left. I needed years of therapy to find myself again as I had become a version of myself that I needed to be to please my ex and keep the peace. A person I did not recognise but was so used to living as. A person I did not love or respect. I played a role, a role that was designed to look after everyone else’s happiness apart from my own.

Walking away from that was a massive and significant turning point in my life. Somewhere along my journey of self discovery, I started writing. It was an overwhelming urge. As I was still lacking in self confidence, I just wrote notes on FB that only my friends and family could see – the people I felt safe with. I started getting positive feedback and encouragement to keep writing.  A few years ago with my confidence back in full swing, I looked back on those notes and while they were good reads, many of them were angry. I was so angry in those days, it made me see how far I had come as I suddenly found it almost impossible to relate to that anger. While I did get professional counseling, my notes were a major part of my healing therapy. It’s taken me this long to open up my life and my world to the public in the form of my blog. I resisted for such a long time as I wasn’t sure I wanted to live in a world where I was constantly scrutinised and judged. I didn’t want to deal with that. I always read parenting blogs and there is often a significant amount of nasty comments by people who just live for being a dick to others. I had been subjected to that by someone who claimed to love me and I was finally in a place where the mental scars had healed. I was terrified about not being mentally strong enough to face it all again from strangers and risk undoing all the hard work I had put in to get to where I was. We all know Social media can be a daunting, ugly, scary and unkind place. But I took a leap of faith as I felt my calling was to battle that ugly side rather than hide from it.

I have blissfully discovered with the help of you beautiful people, that it can be a compassionate place where your messages of love and desire to spread joy and laughter is well received. So thank you!!

Time is an incredible healer and with time I found myself again. The feeling of getting to know yourself again after many years of being forced to suppress your free spirit is just about the most amazing experience. I accepted that I had to endure a back breaking amoubt of pain to fully appreciate the importance of just being myself with zero apologies. For me, true happiness only comes when you are comfortable in and love your own skin. My stories are raw, real and uncensored because that’s the only way I am prepared to be. I lived in a fake existence for too fucking long! So this is me, love me or hate me.

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I have used this picture of myself as I believe it defines me almost perfectly. I am in a carnival fete in 2011 in this photo. The guy in the picture is my cousin and we are incredibly close, he is like my brother. I will be forever grateful to him as he introduced me to my wonderful husband even though the introduction came with a warning for Jamie to stay clear away from me! My family are everything to me. My siblings and cousins are my best friends.

I am as free spirited, wild and crazy as I look in the photo and I give zero fucks about what people think of me. I’m not glamorous, I hate wearing makeup and I never miss an opportunity to enjoy life because it is too damn short not to.

I LOVE and am incredibly proud of my culture and it is important to me that my children, although being raised in the UK, are educated about their roots. My culture defines me and is truly an expression of who I really am.

I will end by saying this:

I am the daughter of Patrick and Claire, wife of Jamie, mother of Yanice, Yiethan and Yelena. But before all that, I am Nikisha. A person, a woman with needs, wants, desires and aspirations. A person and a woman with feelings; emotions; opinions and ambitions. With a career; hopes; dreams and goals. With intellect; skills; talents and so much love to give.

I use these tools to be the best daughter, wife and mother I can be but before I can do all that, I must just be ME!

So tell me about yourself….

32 thoughts on “This is Me”

  1. All I can say is WOW…Wow…and 😮 Wow!!!!!……I can so so relate!…also Trini,always thought of putting it down on paper but didn’t have the guts,as I keep thinking 🤔…..people would judge me,doubt me,u name it….anyway….kudos to you…u have the guts to speak up and like u said….don’t give a fuck!

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    1. Real mama
      As I read your blog tears streamed down my face because like you I suffered 18 years of physical,mental and phycological abuse ( don’t know if I spelt that word correct) . I was broken, isolated ,shamed and penniless with three children and having no where to go .

      As I carried on reading your blog I cried even more but they were tears of joy for you because you’ve pick yourself up and child and left that vile person behind and began a new life . You’ve taken time to be angry and vent that anger and hurt through therapy and now reap the rewards ….happiness and love for yourself and family .

      I too had the courage to leave Trinidad and came to England . My therapy was educating myself , learning to love me for who I am, a strong kind black woman and love my children as they are my world . I cried happy tears for myself too.

      I have rambled on but after reading your blog I felt compelled to write congratulating you on all you’ve accomplished in life . Cause you’re living life to the fullest .

      Keep on blogging , looking forward to reading more x

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      1. Hi Tara
        Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and for sharing your story. I appreciate you opening up to me and I am so happy to hear you managed to find the strength to move on and put yourself and your children first. I know it is no easy feat! Big love to you and wishing you eternal happiness xxx

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  2. Wow…Wow…and Wow……u have guts to put it all down in writing ….I can so so relate …..always thought of putting down on paper,but 🤔 pple wouldn’t believe,judge,or even be happy that I’m unhappy…..I’ve come a long long way….also a Trini……live in 🇨🇦 and enjoy following you……happy for you and you beautiful fam.

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  4. This is truly beautiful. I read the 10 yr challenge blog as well, that is sooooo much to have gone through and I am glad you had the strength to break those chains. You are right, you are a free spirit, it shows in your videos😂. Just want to say thank you for challenge, it is always a nice change to see and read honest real life situations. Keep that positive spirit and continued blessings to you and your fa-ma-la-la-lay 😍.

    Trinidad

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  5. Thanks for sharing. I’m also Trini, living in Spain, married to a Greek, with one kid from a previous relationship and one between us. It’s nice to find someone I can relate to. Our house is a clusterf**k of cultures and sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough to share our Trini culture with my kids. Hopefully, I can take some tips from you. Thanks again.

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    1. Thank you! Your family sounds like a Beautiful mixture of cultures. It’s tough sometimes. My eldest is soooooooo British even though I pump Trini stuff down his neck. He loves the food but that’s about it. But I keep trying x

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  6. Thank you for sharing your life’s journey with us. The truth and rawness is surely a breath of fresh air in our current world. Keep doing what you’re doing and spread your love of life to all because it’s getting to the one’s that need the reassurance. Life gets better when you decide to make it better!

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  7. My name is Nadya and I am the most beautiful of my two sisters. I love life but recently stopped going out and being the true me. I am trying daily to change that.
    I have two wonderful, creative , beautiful daughters .
    Tsian and Emma they are my everything. My husband Anton spoils me rotten as I cannot cook …I can do nothing domesticated .
    I love my job now that I am my own boss as I am bossy hahaha.
    Some may say I am mad , but madness is gladness.

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  9. This was a great read. It was such a pleasure to learn more about this dancing queen. My name is Shelly aka St. Theresa Young. I am also from the Caribbean (Jamaica) and currently live in the USA. You are very influential and have a vibrant spirit. Keep being real!!!

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  10. Hi love. I’m Puerto Rican/ American, married 17 years to a trini, with 2 kids. We visit Trinidad often, beautiful culture. Thanks for being so real and transparent. I often battle with how much cussing is acceptable on social media. If I’m being myself, I’m likely to drop a cuss word at some point but I hold it back when on the gram. You remind me it’s all good!! Much love to you and yours!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and for your kind feedback. Many people prefer not to swear on social media for fear of what people think, I was once like that too but these days my moto is fuck it, who doesn’t like it can move along, I’m not forcing anyone to read it.

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  11. My name is Darlene and I am an Italian American married to Shawn, a Jewish American. I wish your blog was around when my sons were small because they grew up so quick. My oldest son Avery is 20. Avery is a musician and a Linguist Currently living and studying in Valencia Spain. My youngest son Aidan is a 14 year old old hockey player. My biggest blessing in life is we adopted Aidan at birth. Aidan is so full of energy and love. Aidan and Avery are fantastic sons. Finally the Caribbean part. Six years ago while on vacation in Sint Maarten we met Sanjai, a Dutch Surinamese Sint Maartener who’s dream was to come to the states and go to college. Shawn and I were able to make Sanjai’s dream a reality and he has been living with us for over five years and is almost done with his college degree. Sanjai is a kind hearted young man and he is now our family. His family in the Caribbean has embraced us and every trip there is magical. We have so much love in our family and I truly enjoy being the only female. On Mother’s Day they all make me feel like a queen. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Can’t wait to read more

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    1. Hi Darlene
      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and sharing your beautiful story. You sound like a fantastic and selfless woman who this world is truly blessed to have. I often think about adopting when my kids are a bit older as I feel I have so much love to give and although motherhood is tough, I do feel it is what I was born to do! You have inspired me to not give up on that dream.

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  12. Hi my name is janicia.From Trinidad to be exact petit valley I’ve been to England Canada couple times but love my trini roots. Thank u so much for this uncensored blog it has given me hope to be more confident about who I am and not allow past relationships to define me. I too left my physically abusive partner when my daughter was 2mths she’s now 11yrs I still struggle with the insecurities of myself. But I’ve met an amazing man and about to get married but the dark cloud still lingers thanks much🙏❤

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    1. Hi Janicia
      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
      I am so happy to hear it had some impact on you and gave you the inspiration you need to find your confidence again. Wishing you the best in your new marriage x

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  13. Phewwww!!! Mama, you are the real boss. Well, I cannot relate to your experiences, because I was never married and furthermore, bore children, but I am living this journey through your blogs, which leave me very entertaining and fulfilling. Your inspiration and motivation for other mothers are priceless.
    I know that you are enjoying your beautiful kids immensely and there are times when your patience might run thin, but not for long, as your heart is in the right place.
    God loves you and your family dearly and He will continue to bless and keep you under His protective wings.

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  14. Nikisha…i stumbled across your posts by accident…but since then I’ve looked forward to them… they’re raw…real… inspiring…and some funny as fuck! Thank you for allowing me/us to see…live vicariously through you…the experiences of of your daily life with your family. As we say in T& T…Trini to the bone!

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  15. Hi “realmama”… My name is Tricia and I’m a 40 year old mom of 3 wonderful kids….I have been married for 15 years to a good man who recently suffered a stroke which has left me playing part of mom, dad, nurse, teacher, counselor to my family…it has been very stressful and frustrating dealing with everything but after reading this I am in total was and more determined to not give up…to not lose hope…I love your posts because I always thought only my kids were that crazy..lol…but I am so glad there are women out there like you taking that chance to tell your story…you give inspiration and hope to others that no matter what troubles or trials u push forward and persevere to reap the benefits…plus you are a Trini to the bone like me….I live in Gasparillo in Trinidad BTW. ..keep being you and thanks again for your words of truth….

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  16. Hi Real Mamma…Good evening from Trinidad .

    I live in Gasparillo,and I follow you on fb.I read your blog whenever I have the time ,in addition I love your pics.I just took time out to connect wit you to let you know how far your writings have and is travelling to.Your writings are very intelligently put together and convey very useful information to your readers..You are indeed a Trini to the bone..God Blessings to your family and you..Be safe.

    stay beautiful.
    Gabriel Clarke.
    Gasparillo Trinidad WI.

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